THE RANT By Brian Dykstra Listen to the Rant And then there are those days when your editor calls and demands a column because you're three days past your deadline and if you don't get it to her office she's going to "Reassign" your column to somebody else. Can you see it: THE RANT (sort of) ...by guest columnist Skippy Pinwheel You also have to forget for a moment the fact that my editor and I spoke ten days ago at a party and she told me to take my time. It was then I told her I was going to Amsterdam for a week and got back two days ago, in time to get a phone message that did not convey this time emergency, or the fact that every deadline I've ever met has been extended, because the issue wasn't ready when they thought they could launch. And if you think writing a column that won't get run for another four weeks is easy, give it a try. You don't get to hit the Princess Diana thing because by the time you read this...line the birdcage baby, it's yesterday's news. Nothing too topical. As this is currently the case and I have no time to lay out my typically calm and thoughtful argument, I have to do what every columnist needs to do once in awhile. I must write the Nobody Asked Me...But...column. Nobody Asked Me.. But... Crying babies in restaurants are more annoying than an adjoining table of tipsy chain smokers. Movie producers will fight to the death for a bad idea, because if they had any real creative talent, they'd write, act, or direct, rather than produce. Al Sharpton needs to shut up and listen (at least once). is tolerated in Amsterdam. There is something infinitely more civilized about spending a couple hours in a Coffee Bar with a mellow buzz than 17 hours in jail, locked in with people who, even after being strip-searched, have managed to smuggle crack and matches inside the hem of their garments (which they smoke in gutted cigarettes), because the drug policy in this country is lunatic/stupid. My friend Dave got rounded up in Washington Square Park on a "Quality of Life" sweep. That was his experience. The very next week I sipped mediocre coffee in The Netherlands, and didn't even mind that it wasn't very good. Talk about your Urban Desires: A:Hookers, Hash Cakes, Heineken (Want Anything?) Boxing Gandhis and Concrete Blonde on shuffle mode make great listening on the CD player. Art is more important than submarines. If baseball is so good in the playoffs, why don't they play it like that all the time? Law & Order is the Dragnet of the 90's. Deadlines bite. Republicans bashing Democrats on issues of how they raise money is Bizarro Pot-Calling-The-Kettle-Black Politics. Keanu Reeves is a worse actor than Tom Cruise. But not by much. They're both better than Christian Slater. It's possible that Nike is the . The Rolling Stones were too old to Rock & Roll when I saw them at Anahiem Stadium in 1978. The Steel Wheelchair tour and now the Bridges of Babble On (& on, & on). What are they, 105? O.J. Simpson got away with and somehow I still find Fred Goldman impossible to root for. Joey Buttafuoco is working as a doorman in LA while trying to be an actor. If he is ever successful on any level then actors the world over are allowed to hunt him down and strangle him with a rope woven out of Amy Fisher's pubic hair. Ross Perot is gone, right? If Bart the Bear doesn't win an Academy Award in The Edge, then it should go to Marky Mark's dick in Boogie Nights. Rich people still want you to pay extra closing costs for things that are their fault. That's how they got to be rich people. The miserable copout ofhas left a bad taste in my mouth. Remember the last episode of last season where Sipowitz came racing up after Salvo got shot? He gave Bobby a gun and told him to hide it. Bobby hid it in a storm drain or somewhere like that. We were all sure that Andy killed Salvo, and Sipowitz gave Bobby the murder weapon. They didn't even go after the person who did the shooting. These are good cops? Totally ignoring everything about that hidden gun in this season's premiere is not only gutless, it's not fair. The creative team on the show gets to set their own rules, all I ask is that they follow them. How interesting to have had a lead character of a network TV show deal with being a murderer. How cheesy to back off with a cheap tease, and then not even cover their ass, all the while treating the home viewer as "too dumb to notice". Lobster Mushrooms, marinated in olive oil and tarragon and then lightly sautéed will make you thank God he invented taste buds. Yes, God is a "he"—if he was a she, the world wouldn't be so messed up.Jerry Falwell needs to get laid, and hard, by a pro Jesse Helms needs a dick in his mouth. Sports fans who mock chant what they think Native Americans sound like at sporting events are making fun of that culture's religion. Shame on them. Naming a team The Washington Redskins is like naming them the New York Coons, The Seattle Kikes, or the Houston Gooks. Technology makes it possible for one person to do the work of ten, so eleven times the work is now expected of everyone. That, and no task undertaken on any computer ever took "Just Twenty Minutes." Nothing furthers technological breakthroughs faster than pornography. This is neither good nor bad. The Beatles were a wimpy pop band. Being able to be reached on a Dick Tracy type wrist videophone while hiking in the wilderness sounds like the equivalent of residing in one of the lower circles of hell. I love anything that bashes the Internet. So far I have never found anything I was looking for. Once, when I was playing Scrabble, it took us twenty minutes to find a DICTIONARY! Tom Selleck kissing Kevin Kline in In & Out is what we need from movies: Taboos coming down while we laugh. However, Ellen can hang it up now. Claiming relevance because of your sexuality makes you irrelevant. P.S. Who's Anne Heche? The Live ER is hopefully the worst television has to offer. I thought that until I watched an episode of The Visitor. The Bulls will be lucky to win 50. If our founding fathers made one mistake it was that "keep and bear arms" sentence. Suicide bombers are usually young, educated, and unemployed. Looks like we can stop terrorism by giving a Palestinian a job. Clinton needs toonce in awhile. Bet he will when he gets out of office. I wonder what Chelsea's plans are along those lines. LA Confidential has a lousy ending. Someday we'll discover that McDonalds kills more people than tobacco. By that time they will have merged with Nike to form a third political party. Marla Maples wants half of what Donald Trump created during their time together. I'm wondering what she's planning on doing with 4,000 homeless people. I generally don't give a shit about what models and movie stars think about any particular political or social issue. George Clooney taking up the gauntlet against paparazzi is comedic in its shallow pointlessness. On that note, how did a group of sleazy photographers who inconvenience the lives of maybe 250 stars and "personalities" become a greater scourge than that of drunk driving, something that effects everybody? hy is it that when I actually see something newsworthy with my own eyes, the media coverage of that event is so different than my own experience? I do not get paid enough for writing this column.