I prefer a headstart on Christmas, like in October when all the department and grocery stores get theirs. Some people might find it a bit unnerving to discover a monstrous blow-up Santa looming low and ominous amidst cellophane bags of fun-sized Snickers and marshmallow pumpkins, but kickin' the Christmas cheer in October kind of makes for a three-month holiday. Divine!

However, the Christmases I've better spent were the ones when the bright-eyed essence of youth pined for the season's holiest of tomes. Why, I can still recall those mid-December Brimfield, Ohio, days spread upon the living room floor like a chalk outline, fetishing every page of this glorious book...even the ones promulgating cheap wet bar accoutrement.

Of course I'm referring the Sears "Wish Book."

But, lo, how the years have wend their way (a patriarchal twenty-seven years be I), and the maxim 'Tis better to give than receive is steadfast. Frankly, it fetters my neural pea-shooter to keep dishing one-liners whenever The Question is asked. I mumble my answer (which over the years has come to sound something like "Mmmmbfffmmmppphht") and scamper off like Hermie, the Santa's elf who wanted to be a dentist.

I don't give my gift recipients the third degree; I want the element of surprise to spring forth that Spencer Gifts box and smack 'em right in the puss on Christmas morn. I wanna give, folks -- give 'til it hurts. Problem is I never have a clue (read: Spencer Gifts two sentences ago). Hmm. Maybe the people for whom I buy gifts would appreciate it if I did start asking around.

To safeguard against this disconcerting circumstance for the sixth year in a row, I've rallied the elves at UD, soliciting suggestions for way-cool trinkets and toys and high-technamabobs which have the potentiality for broad smiles on the 25th. With all the speed of Santa's sleigh at daybreak, I hope some of these suggestions find you well.

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. See you in '97.