A Bone To Pick

by Barky Dykstra

You know what bites? The Pit Bull in your neighbor's yard.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I got some human peeves I'd like to get of my breast plate.

First, knock off with the term "Master." I'm your Dog, not your property. Check it out, y'all

bring me free food,

take me places,

water me,

pay my rent,

scratch my belly,

and even walk behind me to clean up wherever I leave my calling card.

We got a word for that. The Cocker Spaniels came up with it in 1967, but we all still use to this day. We call the person who does that: Slave. Just so you know, we're not adverse to biting the hand that feeds us, so keep the dog chow flowing.

Although that doggie doo-doo clean-up, I just can't figure. I see you people doing it more and more and it's insulting. I mean, how would you like it? You excuse yourself from polite company, go into the bathroom where you do your business behind closed doors. How would you like it if some big hairless guy storms in to wrap up your poop in a plastic bag, walk it past all your buddies and deposit it in the nearest trash can. "Hey! Hey! That's perfectly good fertilizer there! Put that back!" I actually saw a guy recently who

after he got busy marking his territory. What is THAT! Don't you know that's a dog who's going to get teased mercilessly in doggy heaven? There's a guy who needs his fingers snapped off. "Get your hand outta' my... "

Favorite Team	.	Georgia Bulldogs (least favorite: Baltimore Ravens)
Favorite place to watch a football game		The Dawg Pound
Favorite Basketball Player		Glenn Robinson ("The Big Dog")
Favorite Cartoon Character		Snoopy (least favorite: Garfield)
Favorite Rock Star		Snoop Doggy Dog
Worst Movie Nobody Ever Saw		Last of the Dogmen
Most Scary Horror Film		Old Yeller
Most Insulting Comparison		"Men are Dogs"
Least Understandable Description		"It's raining Cats and Dogs"

And by the way, how stupid are you people? Just because a dog or (god knows) a cat appears on that box of jumping lights you call T.V. it doesn't mean you have to make a fool of yourself trying to get me to watch. I see the damn thing, and I'm still smart enough to know the difference between a series of jumping lights and a real animal. Just because most of you can't tell the difference between sitting on your butt and watching life and actually living it, don't try and make that true for me as well. Why is it that you're so often more wrapped up in that stupid box than throwing a tennis ball for me to chase?

Don't name us anything cutsie. We hate that. Fluffy, Snowflake, Puffball, Cocoa, Fifi. These are all unacceptable. By the way, I'm not overjoyed at having been saddled with a moniker like Barky. I have a friend named Superdog. Now THAT'S a name.

There is nothing more loving than a dog. We will provide constant, unconditional love that never wanes. There is nothing more cowardly than neglecting a dog or treating it cruelly. There is nothing more cruel than that because each and every day you treat me harshly, I will forgive you for it. I will be ready to love you more. I will give you another chance. God made me that way. Take advantage of that and you punch your ticket to hell. Because there is nothing worse than unrequited love from the point of view of your dog. That said, I am here for you. Forever yours. With Love.

Now, could you scratch right...no, right there. Ahhhhhh.

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