Rantings of a Mad-Fan

by Brian Dykstra

When the NHL finally settled its...oh, let's go with "labor dispute,"(13K/ au) a friend asked if I was going to be taking in a hockey game anytime soon. "Hell No," I replied with the air of moral indignation one might expect to hear from the Pontiff if he were considering that in-office vasectomy procedure (17K/ au). "I'm not going to watch those Bozos until..." (and as I heard the rest of the sentence I blurted, I realized just how utterly, completely they had me) "...the Playoffs." (Gee, Dykstra, I had to think to myself, that'll show 'em. That'll teach those big dumb Canadians to mess with me.) When baseball un-settled its...oh, let's go with something homey and quaint sounding, "labor dispute," (11K/ au) I felt a tiny twinge of sorrow for a bunch of no-name "replacement players". No, I'm not going to call them Scabs. Hell, if I had a decent knuckle-curve, I'd have been down in Florida or Arizona shopping for a cool uniform and fitted wool baseball cap. That tiny twinge passed and I grinned my baseball fan grin, because now I'm getting Junior, Barry, The Big Hurt, Donny Baseball, The Rocket, and probably the Chicago Cubs in last place.

The Boys of Summer are back!

So I get to talk RBIs, SBs, ERAs, K/BB ratios, and 6-4-3 DPs. And when some bar oaf turns up his nose, openly wishes for football season, bemoans the Grand Ol' Game's lack of action and (gasp) calls it boring, I get to sting him with my rapier-like wit and reply that baseball probably bores him because it's the "thinking man's game." Note to the not-so-thinking men (e.g., the owners): if you don't want to spend 50 million dollars a year on payroll, don't. It's up to you. If you can't exist with salary arbitration, don't offer it. If you fear the "Big Market Teams" will win all the pennants, do some research. If money and spending it were all one needed to wear the ring, Gene Autry could go on ahead and die in peace because The Angels would have been champs five or six times over. And for every big dollar spent on David Justice, some idiot is going to spend more on Darryl Strawberry. (11K/ au)

Speaking of The Angels, what is it about certain teams? Why should any fan in the nation have to be saddled with The Clippers, no matter what city they pretend to play in? Why should anyone be stuck with The Nets? The Washington Bullets? The Kings (basketball or hockey)? The poor fans in St. Louis "lost" the team that's gone the very longest without winning a football championship and now (for millions of tax dollars), they inherit the Los Angeles RAMS! The Rams? Aren't they the team with the second longest painful gap between championships? Yes, those Rams. Good luck St. Louis. Oh, and keep the change. The San Diego Padres...Houston Astros...Chicago Cubs...Boston Red Sox...Indianapolis Colts...(I suspect) Minnesota Timberwolves...

And to you football fans in Tampa Bay, Yo! I don't care what Dion Sanders makes, I just want to watch him running down an Eric Karros line shot in the gap (when they were playing him to pull) in the bottom of the twelfth inning sometime in the middle of July. I don't care what it costs to keep Tony Gwynn in San Diego. I just want him up there with two on, two out, a full count in a tie ballgame, facing a re-habbed Rob Dibble bringin' it. Blowin' smoke. Tossin' some of those "Linda Ronstadt" fastballs (11K/ au). And that ain't got nothin' to do with labor disputes.

Ron Gant is back. So is Mitch Williams. You got a problem with any of that, don't tune in. Yeah, right. Not until the playoffs? I heard another sniveling cheesehead whining about how the fans have been dismayed and hurt by all of this. I've got one thing to say to these losers:
Get A Life!

If a bunch of spoiled ballplayers (11K/ au) and owners without-a-clue (22K/ au) get into a snit with each other and it actually impacts on your life, WOW. Eat the gun. Get it over with. Maybe Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden are no longer role models for your kids. At least not positive ones, but if you did any part of your job right, your kids can look at Mr. Strawberry & Mr. Gooden (14K/ au) and come up with a lesson on how drugs and greed and laziness can fuck up just about anybody.

Here's another thing I can't get over, this whole "Love of the Game" concept. Yeah, and I've got a couple of screenplays at my agent's office, but I really only wrote them as an artistic expression. Just like you go to work because of your deep-seated need to serve humanity. Truth is, if somebody wants to buy one of my movies, yes I would take a couple of thousand dollars but if someone wants to give me two million for the same property, I couldn't cash the check fast enough. And if my agent could squeeze another ten grand out of some back-end clause...more power to him.

You don't want to work it that way in your life? Fine, that's your call. The Players? They care. Oh, boy do they care. And the more they make, the more they care, because that's human nature. Not only that, but the easier it is for them to say how they would play for nothing, for "The Love of The Game."

No -- I play for the love of the game. I drag my messed-up glove, worn-down cleats and threadbare sweatpants out to the softball diamond and play for fun. And to win. Kirby Puckett plays for millions of dollars, and to win. So does Gary Sheffield. And that's fine with me. I don't care.

In fact, just about anybody spending George Steinbrenner's (19K/ au) or Jerry Reinsdorf's (23K/ au) or Bud Selig' (16K/ au) cash is okay in my book. And here's why I don't care: I don't care because for me, it's about when Kirk Gibson limped to the plate for his only at-bat of the series, fell behind 0 and 2, worked the count to full, and then went yard against the best relief pitcher in baseball. When Gibby spanked Eck's backdoor slider out of Dodger Stadium, I was alone in the room because the guys who came over to watch the game had long given up and were outside trying to get the barbecue started and tossing some Frisbee. That was sweet!

And it's got nothing to do with "luxury taxes" or "revenue sharing."

For me, it's D.W. almost losing the ball, recovering while an opponent streaked by barely missing the steal, heaving up the rock from about 33 feet, having it fall two feet short into the hands of Lorenzo Charles, while Akeem (well out of position) watched Mr. Charles Phi Slamma Jamma the NCAA Championship right out from under the Houston Cougars, sending them back into sports oblivion where they belong.

That moment has nothing to do with Doc Gooden & Cocaine, Strawberry & Greed, or Paternity suits.

For me, it's about that moment Buster sent Iron Mike to the canvas, Joe Montana hooking up with Dwight Clark at the back of the end zone.
It's "Havlicek Stole The Ball!" and Larry Bird doing the same thing so many years later. It's Lakers' announcer Chick Hearn, calling it in near disbelief as Jerry West tied a playoff game with no time left by heaving up a "Fifty-five footerrrrrrrrrr...GOOD!"
It's the heartbreak of them losing the game in overtime.
It's Magic to Scott to Magic to Cooper to Magic to Worthy finishing the break and, for all intents and purposes (except for more Showtime) the game, with that swooping tomahawk jam! Which has nothing to do with The Rams moving to St. Louis.
It's the moment of realization that what you hoped for against hope is about to happen. Yes, Villanova is going to win the game. The Bruins (without Tyus Edney) do have the game in hand (congrats UCLA).
It's Joe Carter off the Wild Thing, McEnroe/Borg, Connors at the U.S. Open, the Miracle On Ice.

And it has nothing to do with strikes or lock-outs or labor disputes or who makes how much. So when the boys want to play and the owners want to let them, I'll be there. If they ain't there, ain't nothin' I can do about it. Not even care. Because you don't miss what you don't know, when you don't know what you're missing (or something like that). Still and all, it's good to have them back.