Living with AIDS:
HIV-Positive Teens Tell Their Stories
by Denise Dowling
Like Stan, twenty-one-year-old Ann of Manhattan contracted the virus through her first sexual experience two years ago, when she was engaged to be married. She wanted a career and was attending college while working at a daycare center. She and her fiance felt ready to have a baby.
She strikes me as an articulate, strong-willed young woman -- a survivor. Like the other young adults interviewed, she has managed to pull something positive from her experience.
"I couldn't get pregnant and I went for tests to find out why. That's when I learned I was HIV-positive," Ann related. "When I told my fiance that night, he accused me of lying. He left, saying he was going to the store for cigarettes. By the time the sun was coming up, I realized he wasn't coming back."
The test results and her fiance's desertion pushed Ann into a depression so deep she spent four months cocooning in bed. She had a serious case of what she calls "the recently-diagnosed flu."
"I would get up to shower and go to the bathroom," Ann said. "I'd go out just to get food and go to the doctor." She was fired from her job. It took three months before the lights and phone were cut when Ann couldn't pay her bills. After four months of not paying rent, a housing authority came to evict Ann from her apartment.
"But before I moved out, an agency sent a case manager over and she was a really positive influence on me," Ann said. The case manager encouraged Ann to attend classes run by ARRIVE (Aids Risk Reduction IV drug use and Ex-offenders). ARRIVE helps those with HIV find jobs and deal with the disease.
"But the people in my group were all older," she said. "I started to feel like the only HIV-positive 20-year-old around."
So she founded her own group under the ARRIVE umbrella called the Young Adults Group for HIV positive heterosexuals between the ages of 16 and 21.
"Everybody's dealing with it from the prevention angle and I wanted to deal with it from, 'Okay, I'm 16 and HIV-positive, where do I go from here?' We talk about our lives, or future, jobs and going back to school. And we do things together. I no longer went to movies and dancing with my HIV-negative friends because they wanted to go clubs and pick up guys. In our Young Adult Group, we have sleepovers and go ice-skating and stuff," Ann said.
She is dating now, something she didn't do before she met her former fiance. Whether she tells the person she's dating of her HIV status depends on two things: How will he deal with news? And are they going to be sexual partners?
"If we're going to be sexually active, I tell the person. I believe they should be able to make educated, informed choices," Ann explained. "I never have unprotected sex. I take care of my condoms like they were my children. They're kept in a basket by my bed and I even dust them."
Being HIV-positive has made her a stronger person, meaning she doesn't need a relationship to feel complete. "I'm more stable emotionally to carry on a relationship. I used to look for another person to make me whole," she said. "Now I'm whole myself. You can't look for someone to complete the puzzle for you, you have to complete it yourself.
"Although this is the worst possible thing that could happen to anybody, it's not the end of life. You can still lead a productive life in between doctor visits," she laughed. "I think about all I've accomplished in the past year; I got a promotion at work, I'm dating and will be going back to school. It's made me want to do a lot more, made me stronger, made me achieve more and be more focused. It's been a major self-esteem booster, which is odd. It's also made me care more about myself and younger people."
"I don't know how long I'll live. I don't see myself rocking on the porch with my 90-year-old husband and grandkids running around calling me Nana, but I do see myself 10 years from now," Ann said. "I see myself happily married at 35, going to the mall with my girlfriends, talking about the latest Denzel movie.
Ann calls herself a realist and says she has no illusions that a cure for AIDS will be found.
"The only way I see AIDS stopping is if people protect themselves. There's so much doctors don't know. It's like chess - nobody's a king, no one's a queen, you're just a pawn."
